My heartfelt gratitude to all who have thus far contributed to this project: most of all, to the interviewees who gave me permission to record, transcribe and share their compelling stories and hard-earned wisdom, allowing us to see close up how they survived psychological catastrophes, thanks to the peer-to-peer support, friendship circles, supportive actions of the community around them, and their own giving-back practices; to Charlotte Crettenand and Catherine Mengelle for their written translations; to Elizabeth Feld for oral translation of the Bordeaux workshop; to Pierre Blanc-Sahnoun for organizing the workshop and collecting reflections on LeBlog de la Fabrique; to members of the NPCI Study Group who have provided many illustrations and much food for thought; and to all reviewers who reminded me of the wisdom. "It takes a village to write a paper." - Peggy Sax

“Disasters are, most basically, terrible, tragic, grievous, and no matter what positive side effects and possibilities they produce, they are not to be desired. But by the same measure, those side effects should not be ignored because they arise amid devastation. The desires and possibilities awakened are so powerful they shine even from wreckage, carnage and ashes.” A Paradise Built in Hell: The extraordinary communities that arise in disaster, - Rebecca Solnit, p.6.

"What a delight to read this reminder of humanity at the dawn of a day where, shadows disappearing quickly at a staircase corner, someone fleeing behind the elevator, figures hiding behind a door which is closed too quickly, I have again, like every morning, caught a glimpse of my neighbours! A lot of apartments and of neighbours in my life, and every time in Paris (surprisingly in a foreign country, I had real encounters), always this shame – as if we should be suspicious towards these people that we didn't choose." - Florence Lautredou, "Bons Vosins" on LeBlog de la Fabrique.

NEIGHBORLY WAYS OF BEING

History of the Idea: Based on experiences as an American living in Vermont, I (Peggy Sax) chose “Neighborly Ways of Being” as a metaphor for the social healing witnessed through conversations with three remarkable women, Alice, Joan and Suzanne. Each woman vividly described a restored sense of meaning and purpose to her life when she is able to transform painful experiences to become useful to others. I was guided by the belief that therapeutic conversations can strengthen social connectedness within the family, as well as in naturally occurring communities.

Our world news is filled with accounts of climatic extremes and weather events linked to global warming such as floods, tornadoes, droughts, wildfires, Tsunamis, hurricanes, earthquakes and volcano eruptions. These conversations took place in Vermont, USA in September, 2011 shortly after Tropical Storm Irene devastated a number of local communities. Whereas movies, media and authorities highlight social deterioration and chaos during disaster, Rebecca Solnit's book A Paradise Built in Hell offers alternative accounts of the solidarity, joy, friendship, love, generosity, spontaneous acts of courage, resourcefulness and resiliency. Reclaiming community out of catastrophe is also the purposeful work of the therapist.

Here I wish to briefly share some understandings that emerged out of the experience of interviewing these three remarkable women, presenting a workshop on “Reconnecting the lives of our clients” in Bordeaux France (sponsored by la Fabrique Narrative, October 13-14, 2011) and the lively discussion among members of the Narrative Practice & Collaborative Inquiry (NPCI) Study Group. These ideas are also included in the draft paper “Neighborly Ways of Being and Paradises in Hell: Communal Practices That Support Naturally Occurring Communities", submitted in December, 2011, to The Journal of Systemic Therapies, Special Issue on Community Approaches to Solving Problems.     

What are Neighborly Ways of Being?

The Farlex online dictionary defines neighborly or neighborly as “exhibiting the qualities expected in a friendly neighbor. “Friendly” refers to characteristic of or befitting a friend such as in "friendly advice” or "a friendly host and hostess. As a North American, neighborliness conjures images of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, an American children’s television series aimed primarily at preschool children. Fred Rogers - the creator and host – would enter his television studio house, singing the song "Won't You Be My Neighbor?” as the camera pans slowly over a model of Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, traveled by the "Neighborhood Trolley."

I first came across the term “ways of being” in the 1992 Dulwich Newsletter, “Some thoughts on men’s ways of being.” By exploring the cultural-historical ideas contributing to our cultural notions of masculinity, this special issue provided a cultural-historical context for different ideas contributing to our cultural notions of masculinity, explored dichotomies in the making of men, and proposed alternative ways of being that invite men to challenge problematic aspects of dominant men’s culture, while connecting to hopes and intentions for equality and justice. Describing something as “ways of being,” externalizes patterns, traditions, values and behaviors so that one can question, choose or reject them in one’s own life. Aspects of the “ways of being” can then be named, described, pulled apart or built upon. Similarly, I wish to illustrate how approaching neighborly ways of being can rejuvenate hope, solidarity, community-mindedness, mutuality and joint actions.

Vermont is a uniquely rural state in USA whose longstanding tradition of community mindedness, resourcefulness, and utilitarianism makes Neighborliness an apt metaphor. Many people aspire to live by what Jeree Pawl has called “the platinum rule: Do unto others as you would have others do unto others” (Pawl 1996). As one resident described:

"A value in Vermont is that people are really working for the good of the community. I get the sense in a lot of other places that people are working only for themselves. That may be a really false perception, but it just seems that way. It's like, ‘me first!’ And that is not the way it is in Vermont. This is because you see your neighbors in small town life" (Sax 2000).

New Metaphors

The Starfish Federation: A Message from Lynn Hoffman offers new metaphors distinguishing between horizontal and hierarchical organizations that are supportive of neighborly ways of being. She and Chris Kinman, her colleague from The Rhizome Network) based these ideas on the writings of French philosophers Gilles Deleuze and Felix Guattari, and their use of the image of the Rhizome. Hoffman uses the term “Webwork” to capture the spirit of our own relational community as we “reject unitary forms like Individual, Family, System, along with the usual hierarchical templates. “Our rebellion has been shaped by a belief in the bubble-up processes of the arts and a respect for communal imagination” She looks toward Collaborative, Reflective, and Narrative approaches to take the lead in experimenting with the mutual creation of life-sustaining webs.

Lynn Hoffman proposes the term “communal practices” as an alternative to “clinical practices” to legitimize therapeutic work that strengthens naturally occurring communities of support, augment and extend friendship circles, build community-mindedness, engage communal creative expression and shape identity as being of value. Communal practices build on the ethic of circulation and innovative public practices that narrative therapists use to incorporate audiences into the therapy process. These relational practices include such activities as giving and receiving peer support; engaging with online support groups, Facebook and other social media; making and sharing music; volunteering for community suppers, homeless shelters, Hospice and other community services; participating in community building (and re-building) projects; sharing resources, and giving back to others in need. Joan adds to this list, “Whatever it takes.”

Honoring Local Context and Meanings for Neighborly Ways of Being

After the Bordeaux workshop, Pierre Blanc-Sahnoun started the topic "Bons Voisins" (Good neighbors) on the French blog "Errances Narratives". This conversation renders visible cultural differences in local meanings and cultural-historical references. Florence added her poetic voice, which Charlotte both translated and footnoted (see side-box and below). Despite cultural differences and translation challenges, French colleagues enthusiastically expressed value in the social healing akin to metaphor of creating “neighborhoods” where lives are connected through counseling and narrative coaching. Coming from a recent immigrant family, Pierre could readily relate to the importance of community relationships in order to materially and psychologically survive. Pierre’s relatives all left their country at the same time, leaving behind their parents and families, their homes and friends. The only way to feel linked to their identity was to share their stories again and again with those who've experienced the same journey from the same place. “That's probably why I'm deeply touched by narrative practices in general and neighborly ways of being practices in particular.” Pierre further reflected, “If problems are created in a social context, there is no sense in trying to resolve them individually.”

Upon reflection, Florence found evidence that neighbourly ways:

“Usually correlated with their protagonists' lack of pretention.” Having lived alone for four years in Paris in her early 20s, “like a modern without family",[i] she met Ahmed, her “Harki neighbour" [ii] from Monge street, “a providential grand-father, better than an Eric-Emmanuel Schmidt [iii] novel.” For two years, they connected to and helped each other. “He fed me by cooking for me, because at that time, my preoccupations weren't about a healthy diet.” Cousous became Florence’s weekly nutrient, generously given by her neighbor who, every week, was waiting for her to share a ritual Sunday breakfast. Florence also fed Ahmed without a doubt in another way, not as much with words as with her presence

“Unconditionally affectionate, the same age the grand-child he could have had, a reminder of the Bretagne region which fascinated him (the ocean and his cliffs, our islands, the Celtic legends, he used to listen to me describing them again and again) and a way of sharing which was bringing us together each week while chewing this good old sacrificed sheep for our friendship [iv]. I've never had such a generous neighbour, one of those who bring a smile on one's face just before falling asleep. Ahmed and I were having simple lives, not much to lose, a curiosity and an openness to each other. The magic ingredient in life. Soul is acting!”.

Global Understandings of Neighborliness

Members of The Narrative Practice & Collaborative Inquiry (NPCI) Study Group share stories about “neighborly ways of being” and the relevance to our work and lives. Some stories – such as from Margaret in Brisbane, Australia and Regina in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - portray similar acts of courage, resilience and community-building in the aftermath of extreme weather events. Other study group members offer exemplary accounts from their work contexts untouched by major weather events.

Amy works in British Columbia, Canada, with a First Nation group where there was a recent suicide scare. Since the first day on their reserve, they inspired Amy with their acceptance, transparency and sense of community. In her mental health training, Amy had attended many suicide intervention workshops, with knowledge of safety plans, and knowing all too well the challenges for a therapist making immediate contact with the person. “In this case, two elders visited the man-at-risk's house within the hour, planned a healing ceremony for him, made a plan with his family so he would not be left alone, and then came back and visited him on subsequent days.” As the assigned therapist, Amy experienced peace of mind. “This is an advantage of living in a place where everybody really does know your name, and everything else too.”

In contrast, NPCI Study group members have also shared stories where neighborly ways are desperately needed, yet not yet engaged. Who gets left out and how might we better include groups, families and individuals in the community that might fall through these neighborly ways? For example, Susan works in an isolated rural community with limited resources. Recently, Susan met with Larry, a man in his sixties lives by himself with his two big dogs. He struggles with sadness and loneliness. Larry recently lost a lot of weight and has had stomach issues. He went to the hospital for a series of tests, worrying that he had cancer. It wasn't. In a counseling session, Susan, was sitting with him and expressing joy that it was not cancer. Larry started to gently tear up and said that he hated to admit he wanted it to be cancer. He longed for the care he would get. Study Group members have raised other questions as well:

Do we need a disaster to bring people together?

What 'influential discourses' shape local experiences of neighborliness?

Are there particular ways of being neighbourly that are given value to over other ways?

What are some of the effects of busyness on neighbourly ways of being without tragedy in communities?

Is it a coincidence that illustrations of "neighborly ways" are most commonly from women's lives?

What might be different if we were interviewing men?

What can men – and women who work with men - learn from these stories?